Self-care is not selfishness

Selfishness is an attribute that isn’t viewed positively — it has a bad reputation, a negative trait, right? When we call someone selfish, we picture them as self-absorbed and indifferent to the needs of others, because they only care about themselves. And to avoid this, we try to adapt to personality traits like selflessness, sacrifice and always putting others first.
But sometimes, this goodness takes a toll on our lives, mostly because we fail to create a balance and remain entirely on the giving side. This is where we need to focus on becoming a little selfish — possessing a good kind of selfishness. In fact, embracing a healthier form of selfishness is essential for all living beings.
There is no doubt that as soon as you prioritise yourself and your needs over others, your conscience starts pinging you, telling you that you’re doing something wrong. But remember, to help and be present for others in their times of need, you need to be strong, healthy and confident first, and not vulnerable, which will drain all the goodness from you, leaving you burnt out, frustrated and irritable.
Don’t know how to create balance? Let’s explore together why being ‘selfish’ in the right way can actually make you a better person and improve your relationships with those around you.
The difference between good and bad selfishness
Sometimes, it is difficult to recognise the difference between healthy and unhealthy selfishness. Negative selfishness is when you take advantage of others to gain something for yourself. It often stems from negative emotions like hate, envy and arrogance, which can escalate into conflicts and, on a larger scale, even wars.
Of course, you don’t want to be this kind of selfish, nor are we advising you to adopt this behaviour. Instead, aim for the good kind — the healthy selfishness that not only enhances your personality, but also makes you more helpful to others, because you were first able to be kind to yourself.
Self-sacrifice isn’t wise
Absolutely not. But many a times, we fall into the habit of saying ‘yes’ to every demand from people around us, especially our friends. We should be considerate of others’ needs, but sometimes it becomes too much, and we end up burnt out.
For instance, if someone in your class wants to borrow a pen once, you happily lend it to them. But if it becomes a habit and they start asking several times a week, that’s when you need to put a stop to it. If you keep lending, there will come a time when your classmate won’t even recognise their responsibility to bring their own things, and you’ll be left without your own possessions.
Selfishness redefined!
Healthy selfishness isn’t about ignoring the needs of others or always thinking about yourself. It actually means that you must first focus on your own well-being and the things that matter to you. At your age, there are mainly two main areas where you need to be fully focused for your own betterment. And these two areas include your overall well-being, which are your meals, sleep and daily activities; and the other is studies, where you must have up to date notes and proper study time.
If you focus on these two areas, you’ll be in a better place to help your friends and loved ones. It’s about changing how you think — seeing self-care as important, not selfish. For example, when you are on an airplane, during the safety demonstration, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. Why? Because if you’re not okay, you can’t effectively assist those around you. This principle applies to all aspects of life.

Practical ways to practise healthy selfishness
Shifting your mind from self-neglect to self-care without feeling guilty could be tricky and you might not feel comfortable with the idea. But you need to understand that you don’t intend to harm anyone, it’s actually that you are making yourself more capable of helping others in times of need. Below are some instances where you must give priority to yourself.
Pursue your passions and hobbies
Suppose your friend asks you to play cricket with them when you actually want to do painting sessions as your hobby after school. But because they insist, you think your absence will make a big difference and they will feel you are a selfish friend.
Forget it; it won’t make a big difference. Remember, if you ignore your passion for others, at one point in life, you will regret missing the chance to do what mattered to you. And, at the same time, they have come for their passion, an activity that they wanted to do. So both of you have your priorities in front of you — either you prioritise your passions and the things you enjoy doing or the things others enjoy doing. It won’t change the course of their life, but it will definitely change a lot in your life.
Set boundaries
Saying ‘no’ is the most empowering thing you can do to yourself. Recognise and accept that you cannot be available to everyone whenever they want, and that’s totally okay. It’s not selfish to decline an invitation or turn down a favour if you genuinely can’t or don’t want to do it. You have the right to prioritise your own settled routine. If you are generous and kind to yourself, you will actually be kind to others.
However, you need to create a balance; never saying “no” to others when you really need time for yourself is where this balance is essential. Also setting boundaries in your mind doesn’t make you cruel; it is only that you are making the rules and guidelines clear to others about how to treat you and what to expect from you.
The benefits — you’ll get confidence!
When you take care of your needs and focus on your growth, you’ll naturally feel responsible and in control of your daily life. You will soon feel confident making your own decisions and will start recognising what truly matters to you. You will get to know yourself better this way, and care for yourself in a better way.
You’ll be happier
Ignoring yourself can lead to frustration, which you might not realise at first. But as activities and tasks related to you pile up and become pending, you will soon have an agitated state of mind. However, if you start prioritising your own needs, you will feel happier and more content. So acknowledge yourself first.
Improved self-esteem
Have you ever had a moment where you doubted yourself and your abilities? Perhaps many times, especially when you are assigned a group task and you are the leader. You might feel nervous and worry that you may not meet the expectations of your group or your teacher. This is self-doubt, which generates negative thinking. Hence, putting your needs first will positively impact your self-esteem.
Remember, you don’t have negative intentions for anyone, it is just that you are setting some rules to follow and giving your routine and yourself priority. It’s the kind of selfishness that allows you to be your best self — for you and for those around you in the long run.
Published in Dawn, Young World, September 28th, 2024